Sorry I haven’t blogged in a while. I’m sorry to both of my readers. But I did start a twitter account for the blog so you can hear my thoughts on a more regular basis. It’s for all the stuff I want to say but I’m too lazy to write a full blog about.

@ImThatGuyBlog

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but now’s a good time as ever. Can we YOU please please please quit it with the Instagram? I get it, I do. It’s cool (sorta). It gives everything an air of nostalgia. It reminds you of a time when things were simpler: superheroes on your underwear, Saturday morning cartoons kicked ass, Nintendo, tube socks with stripes etc…But not everything deserves the nostalgia treatment. This shit has gone too far. I heard Chubby Chub on the radio last week shout out his Instagram account. Stop it. No app can make the Blue Hill Ave street sign any more interesting. It’s just a street sign, those are just rocks, this is still just a water bottle. It’s not that serious. Oh and ladies, you’re the main culprit. Newsflash: WE KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! Instagram ain’t nothin’ but a lie. It’s like makeup, all smoke and mirrors. It’s going to get to the point where people need Instagram glasses to recognize each other (Let the record show this was my idea. I want my royalties). If you look like Fiona from Shrek on any given day and Instagram makes you look like this:

THE APP IS TOO POWERFUL!

Just stop it before more feelings get hurt. Old school cameras sucked and you all know it. Remember that rectangular camera that your mom had that she had to wind up after every picture? And if it was wound too far the film would break? Remember when digital cameras first hit the scene and how great the pictures looked? Good. Now resist the urge to Instagram your next meal.

maleminded:

Thank me later

(Source: masseyp)

I’ve previously stated my disdain for New Years Eve but this flyer perfectly sums up everything that’s wrong with and could go wrong with NYE. It’s the biggest timesuck lifesuck of a holiday ever. You know those people who get all hyped to party on NYE and try to suck you into their plans? That used to be me…a long time ago. I stopped caring when shit never panned out. It’s the worst night of any year to party. You’re paying $75 to get into a club where the cover is usually $5. This club is going to be packed, uncomfortably packed. That nice dress your date is wearing, it’s going to get spilled on. Then she’s going to get stupid drunk (high pitched slurring and death threats), and the next person who spills on her is going to hear about it.

Best case scenario is it’s a female, they exchange bitchy comments, and the night goes on. Worst case scenario is the Affliction wearing juice box there with his other juice box friends (they always come in packs) takes offense and wants to forcefully make you kiss the back of your knees. No thanks. If you manage to stumble away with your shirt intact you still have to deal with the drunk crying girl following you around who just incited that riot (Helen of Troy, Sammi “Sweetheart”). Does it sound like I’m being overly harsh on the ladies this time? My bad.

Guys are just as bad but without the tears. Your boy gets a shot of that liquid courage in him and everyone who bumps into him is doing it “on purpose”. So now you’re on edge all night because you know there’s going to be a fight, you just don’t know when. You can’t have any fun because you’re babysitting Bruce Banner on the verge of turning green, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. I’ll be watching the ball drop from the comfort of my couch. The vodka sodas are free.

Some of ya’ll reading do this stuff, and you like it. Don’t even invite me. I won’t RSVP.

• Apple Picking: So let me get this straight. You want ME to pay YOU to pick my OWN apples? Get the fuck outta here! How lame is this? I’m going to drive 45 minutes to an hour outside of Boston to pick apples when there’s a Stop and Shop 2 minutes away? And what if they don’t have the kind of apples I like? I’m shit outta luck in the middle of New Hampshire. Shout out to the people who’d rather pay to pick their own apples than have an illegal pick them for you. “They’re taking all the jobs!” Dummies.
• Foliage Drives: This is incredibly stupid. I have trees in my neighborhood. You want to drive up 128 to look at leaves? Who’s paying for gas? I can’t get that time back.
• Corn Mazes: Did you hear about that family that got lost in a corn maze and had to call 911 to come find them? How stupid are you? Cops had to show up with dogs to come rescue you 25 FEET IN! Bet they’ll never do that again.
• Pumpkin Patches: What’s the attraction to pumpkin patches? Is it the hay rides? Hay is itchy. What else ya got? Petting zoo! All you’ve got are goats and I don’t smell any curry. Next! What am I going to do with this pumpkin? If I carve it some punk is going to smash it. I’m a terrible baker, so pumpkin pie is out the question. If it survives the punks it’ll just sit on the steps until it rots.
• Black Friday Shopping: You’ve got to be some kind of special to want to participate in this shitstorm. I don’t care how good the deal is, I’m not leaving my warm, comfortable bed to go stand in line outside of Best Buy for a chance to get a tv. Fools camp out for this like it’s a Twilight premiere.
• Tree Lightings: Again with the trees. This has to be the worst because you’re outdoors for his for upwards of 2 hours while your town trots out a local Zumba dance team, and high school choir. Then for the finale you get an aging boy band member, the mayor and Santa Clause to push a button to light up a Douglas Fir. I’ll pass, I can’t feel my toes.
• Family Portrait Christmas Cards: Probably one of my biggest pet peeves especially those couples who don’t have kids. Nobody wants to see you and your man in matching outfits in front of a faux fireplace. And for those of you with kids, you can stop sending those cards out once they hit their awkward stage.
• New Years Eve: This has got to be the biggest waste of time in the history of wastes of time. All this hype and it’s always a dud. I’ve never had an amazing NYE and I struggle to find people who have. Maybe when we stop making such a bit deal out of it something great will finally happen. You can find me on my couch when the ball drops next year.
• X-Mas: The baby Jesus is not pleased. It became X-Mas when corporations realized how much more money they could make if they started advertising earlier in the year. I’m seeing ads with tinsel in it before Thanksgiving and that sends the wrong message. It’s so commercial that they had to change it to X-Mas for fear the wrath of God (locusts and floods and all that). We’ve lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas and it shows when we took the Christ out of Christmas.

Ok so I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I have no excuses as to why. Call it disinterest if you will but after I became overwhelmed with requests (thank you, both of you) to write something I figure it’s time to put pen to paper fingers to keyboard. Aaaaand I have a great fucking story to tell. Shit like this doesn’t normally happen to me although Mike would disagree because he claims shit like this only happens to me but here we go anyway.

So me and B go to the Mos def concert. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be B and I. Yes, I know you know how I feel about grammar. Yes, I know you wanted to call me out on it. But it’s too late because I’ve corrected myself. Besides, ya’ll are my people I don’t always have to be proper. I digress. Bad Rabbits opened up for Mos and they killed it. I’d heard of them before but never cared enough to download. Ran into 2 of my good friends at the show. After their set everyone is sitting around waiting for Mos but I get word that his plane hasn’t even landed yet so it’ll be a while. Fine, vodka soda to the rescue. Anyway Mos finally comes on and put on a great show.

We decide to go get a drink after but the bar downstairs in the Wilbur was real Eurotrashy so that was a no go. Across the street to the W Hotel bar only to run into George Smith from ESPN. Dude is a sharp dresser and clearly likes to have fun. Lots of champagne and shit. After his failed proposition to B he decides he wants to take us to a strip club (perhaps trying to increase his chances). We wander over to Centerfolds and the bouncers have no clue who he is. Centerfolds sucks. The dancers don’t dance. They barely strip. They just kind of stare out into the crowd and sway back and forth like cute nude zombies. The pole isn’t there for decoration, use it.

More champagne courtesy of George in the VIP Platinum Lounge. Cliche I know but I wasn’t paying. At some point he signals a zombie over and she starts giving him a massage. B has wandered over stageside and is berating some guys for throwing money at the strippers (it’s what you do at a strip club), all the while taking pictures of the strippers (not allowed).

Anyway that got old pretty quickly. So we decided to take off and leave George to his massage. Drunken night downtown always leads to Chinese food, so we head to Chau Chow City and the waitress pretended to not know what I wanted when I asked for cold tea. It means I want beer for the uninitiated reading out there. So after what seems like forever with no beer and no food I decide to go get the car. As I’m walking I see NY Pizza and get the brilliant idea to order because I’m starving. Large pepperoni. Walk out the door and the box caves in. There goes my pizza, face down on the sidewalk. No salvaging that. Besides, bum piss isn’t a flavor I want to get familiar with. I go back in to get another and the smart ass pizza boy greets me with, “Back so soon? Did you eat that one already?” I wasn’t in the mood. I told him where he could find his pizza and suggested he get to cleaning.

Apparently at this time Chau Chows has locked B in the restaurant because they claim we ordered a ton of food and we’re not going to pay for it. She’s been calling and texting but between the pizza servants comments and a dying phone battery the message wasn’t sinking in to me. Finally I get another pizza, I’m in the car, high tailing it to Chau Chow when I finally get to talk to her as she says she’s been standing outside in an alley (bad idea) after escaping Chau Chow waiting for me in tears. Crybaby. It wasn’t that long of a wait. Homeless guy felt bad for her and gave her a rose and paid for her cab home. Yes she took money from a homeless guy. Let that sink in.

I drive to her place to make sure she’s ok and she tells me I’m too drunk to drive home. Pure bullshit. I made it from Tremont to Southie and I should be less drunk now. I sat on the bed hoping she’d pass out so I could leave…and woke up in the morning. Maybe I was too drunk to drive. Look outside the window to see construction vehicles where my car was parked. Fuck I got towed. I hate parking in Southie. Everyone parks like a dickhead. That’s another blog though. I rush outside to see my car being the only car on that side of the street and the cop on duty asks if it’s mine. Said he didn’t tow it because he ran the plates, saw it registered in Dorchester and figured I must have been too drunk to drive, as evidenced by my blocking half her neighbors driveway. He tells me to move my car and then asks me about my night. I recall to him everything I just told you and he calls bullshit. I produce my ticket stub and a bunch of free entrance cards to Centerfolds.

He asks what I’m going to do with those cards and since centerfolds sucks I release them into his custody. He gives them out to the construction workers and then tears my parking ticket up. He says he was in the holiday spirit. Did I mention I had to be at work in an hour too?

As you may have already heard Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce a mere 73 days after her wedding. Normally I wouldn’t give this chick any lip service but with all the hoopla surrounding marriage I figure this is a great time to say my piece. I had come up with this idea to blog about things that last longer than Kim’s marriage…but twitter beat me to it.  So instead of contributing to that hashtag, I’m just going to do it on here.

• Sean Combs Nicknames: Seriously every time I blink he’s got a new name
• “It’s Complicated” Facebook Relationships: Even they can stick it out longer than 73 days

• Lindsay Lohan’s Sobriety: I’m not positive about this one but I’m rolling with it
• Lindsay Lohan’s Freedom: She just can’t seem to stay out of jail lately
• Lindsay Lohan’s Good Looks: She peaked during Mean Girls sadly
• Lindsay Lohan’s Music Career: She actually has 2 albums out?

I’m now going to leave her alone before she sues me.

• NBC’s The Playboy Club: Never stood a chance
• Virgins On Prom Night: 2 pump chumps
• OJ’s Search For The “Real” Killer: C’mon Son
• Priests Vows of Celibacy: No need to expand on this
• The Stripper Excuse “I’m Putting Myself Through School”: It’s been 15 years
• Kim Kardashian’s Wedding on E!: All that hype for 73 days
• Box Office Movies Before Bootleggers: I don’t know how they get them before they hit theaters
• Batteries In Whorehouse Vibrators: So I’ve been told
• The Line Of Trick Or Treaters At Casey Anthony’s House: Too soon?
• The Devil In Church: Sitting through Catholic Mass is tedious
• The Pork Roast In Kerry’s Freezer: Things been in there since before Jesus had facial hair. God doesn’t even know when she’s going to cook it
• Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Name: I didn’t have to google the spelling
• Hotel Toiletries:
• McDonalds French Fries: Watch this if you have a strong stomach
• Taylor Swift’s Speech Before She Got Kanye’d: Poor thing

This list can go on but I have to get to practice. Anything I missed? Hit me in the comments section.

You all think it, you just aren’t ballsy enough to say it. It’s ok though because I’ve decided to take up your cause and speak for you. Kids are assholes. If your friends pulled these same stunts you wouldn’t be friends for long. In no particular order here’s the top 10 reasons

They’re Picky Eaters: Kids are the only people who don’t seem to like anything remotely appetizing. It either has to be breaded and covered in ketchup or sickly sweet for them to eat it.

They Have No Filter: They’ll just say whatever comes to mind, no matter who it offends. If a kid says you’re fat, it’s because you’re fat. Same thing with ugly. We all know plenty of parents who’ve been embarrassed by shit their kids say.

They’re Inconsiderate of Your Time: Just having shit scheduled all the time. They have soccer practice, dance class, rehearsal for the school play in which they have no speaking lines. It’s like you’re their personal assistant, and what do you get paid? Shit. Literally. “I just used the potty, now come wipe my ass”

They’re Attention Whores: Always with the “look at me” and the jumping up and down in front of the tv and the drawing of stupid pictures. Is that a horse or a cow? You ask them to draw a happy picture because you figure that should keep them busy and you get back what looks like a slaughterhouse:

They Throw Lame Parties: So you want me to come to a party where the only drinks are milk, water, and juice. The DJ is a Kidz Bop cd. The entertainment is a guy in a clown suit. And all the girls are underage? No thanks, I’d rather sit bare ass on broken glass. Think you can suck me in with ice cream and cake? Normally, yes. But there’s a Carvel down the street and I won’t have to share.

The “Minefield”: So aptly named for that adorable period in little Anthony’s life where everything is his. You never know what it’s going to be either. It’s one toy one day and something else the next day. Watch where you step because one wrong move could mean an explosion. I’d rather listen to teenage girls talk than hear a crying baby. They’re like pint sized banshees. Here’s a hint little buddy, it’s not yours until you’ve paid for it.

Their Shows Suck: I swear kids tv producers think your kids are invalids. Look at the junk on tv now. WTF is a Teletubby? Yo Gabba Gabba? Kids programming is all bright colors, poorly drawn characters, and stupid noises. It’s absolutely awful and you have to watch it with them. And some of you parents think it’s not that bad!

                           this must be what hell looks like

They Ruin Shit. They break things, they spill on the rug, they puke on your clothes. They’re like little drunks. They don’t clean up after either. You’re stuck with a brush and bucket trying to scrub pbj and milk vomit out of the rug. How’s that smell?

They’re Germ Carriers: Ever notice how parents of small kids are ALWAYS sick? Seriously…ALWAYS SICK. The little brats bring home their cooties and infest the whole house. Cops could end all standoffs with babies. Send in Toddler Team 6 and in 2 days watch the infidels walk out waving snot filled white flags. Germ warfare. They never stood a chance.

They’re Morning People: I hate morning people. Kids are awake before roosters. And if they’re awake…you’re awake. There’s no sleeping in on a Saturday anymore. They’re up, they’re hungry, and they want to watch Teletubbies.